Health both Mental and Physical

People who have read my blog know that I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back. But a lot of other people don’t know that I was diagnosed with PCOS which is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. When I was first diagnosed with PCOS it was back when it was PCOD the D stood for Disease. I was told it was incurable and that because of it I would never have children.

At sixteen, that was depressing for me, especially since I always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I was very little. I always had a ton of baby dolls and stuffed animals. When I played with them they were my children.

They told me my only hope was birth control, but one of the side effects of Birth Control is that you may never have children like that. I was on it for a total of three years off and on. The problem with the BC was I was very hormonal, very angry, and always starving. Since I’ve been off the BC I’ve lost almost thirty pounds.I also started taking supplements to help me.

I also started taking supplements to help me with my PCOS. Because of that, I got all of the benefits of the BC without the downsides. I’m not suffering my hormonal or anger issues but everything is working normally and I’m not dying from pain every month.

So that’s me working on my physical health. Now as for my mental health…

I started seeing a very nice lady who is able to do EMDR or Eye-Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing. What it does is it basically works through your memories and makes it so that you can remember them without the emotions and flashbacks that came with them.

Weirdly enough anytime I get close to getting my mental health on track someone I know (and it’s always the same person) tends to go a little mental. I started doing EMDR when I was 22, that was when I got a phonecall from this person saying it was my fault their life was going down. I had to call 911 because while talking to me she downed 14 bottles of pills.

And anytime after that when I would go to look into doing EMDR this person would have one crisis or another. And she never knew that I was going to see these psychotherapists.

This nice lady that I started seeing was going through my mental history with me for two weeks. The day before my second week before we would start EMDR I got the most messed up text message from this person. I’m going to get my mental health on track. Nothing she can do will persuade me otherwise. Because I need to fix my mental health, or I’m never going to have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

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On the Woes of the World

In the past week, I have never felt more beat down and broken. I don’t know how else to explain it, just broken. Sometimes I can smile and fake my way through how much I hurt inside and I’ve been like that for years. But when all of my faults pile up I just feel like I am a waste of skin.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m depressed. It just means that my self-esteem is so low that I don’t want to bother with it. So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto

So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto Baby Discord), writing someone’s story (I’m working on overhauling the second book in Barrel of a Gun, since I overhauled Trigger and a lot of things no longer make sense in Safety) and listening to a depressing song that will slowly start to cheer me up (and right now it’s Orchard of Mines by Globus).

Why is my self-esteem too low? Well, to be honest, I think that it links back to my PTSD. Sometimes people will say things that make me remember things that were said to me when I was little, sometimes I’ll just feel worthless and start making me feel bad just because of that, and sometimes people are just hurtful.

I’m even a day late on my blog just because I felt like no one would want to listen to me. I’m boring…and why the heck would I ever think I would be any better as an Author? I’m still boring.

But the nice thing about when I get so low is my support group, which comprises of my Boyfriend, my friend and fellow writer Noël, and weirdly enough my cat. My boyfriend does his best to let me know that if I was worthless he wouldn’t have even noticed me, my friend does her best by just being there and listening to me and having correct responses to it, and my cat nuzzles up to me when I’m all upset.

So even with the woes of the world, I’m still doing alright.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

PTSD and other random thoughts

Several months ago I put up a blog post about my mental illnesses On Writing and Mental Illness. And during the week this blog post hit me.

I realized something in my Overhaul of Trigger. My main character shows signs of PTSD. She has nightmares, flashbacks, and often hits the highs and lows that can sometimes show as symptoms.

She has a flashback when she’s painting a picture of her friend, she has nightmares when she doesn’t in her words “clear her mind” before sleeping, she hits depressing lows when she feels like she has failed, she hits abnormally high highs when she feels like she’s accomplished something.

So why did that only hit me during the overhaul? Well, when writing the story, I was simply telling Rose’s story and didn’t pay attention to how she was acting. I was just getting out the story of a Vampire Hunter. Then during the overhaul, I looked over everything with a fine-toothed comb. That’s when I noticed all of her “abnormalities”.

Without meaning to, Rose had gotten my PTSD. And in its own way, Trigger has become a coping mechanism to deal with my mental illnesses.

In a sense, Rose dealing with Morph could be considered a form of DiD or Split Personality. And several of my characters do deal with something like this. And the closest one to the actual Mental Illness of DiD is Alexis Ryuu/Frost Lindome, my favorite character.

Frost had overgone several reimaginings over the years as I grew up. At first, she was who I wanted to be. A strong independent dragon with a serious attitude and a lust for life and adventure. And for some reason she was blue and as her name suggests she was an ice/snow dragon. As a kid, I hated the color blue. And I had a bad experience with snow which led to a phobia of the white stuff. So why is my favorite character blue and a frost dragon?

In truth, I have no idea. I think some part of my subconscious wanted me to get over my fear of snow and ice, so fear of a thing only increases fear, thus my friend was an ice dragon. As for blue, as I grew up, blue was just another color. It’s not one that I can wear (since I look like death warmed over wearing blues) but it’s a pretty color.

Eventually in a recent rendition of Frost, her father, who is the Fallen of Emotions (they’re powerful and too long to explain here, but what he does is he can take your emotions, block them, or enhance them),  grabbed her from her home and enhanced her feelings of rage, lust, and a few others and turned them into a whole new personality known as Ice.

That was my first experience writing someone with DiD because Ice was Frost but a different person, if that makes sense.

That’s all I got!

Keep On Writing Dudes! And Don’t Forget to be Awesome!

Gathering My Thoughts

When Trigger first appeared it was a silly idea I had in October of 2012. With the news of the Mayan Calendar, I had a crazy what-if scenario pop into my head. What if the Mayans were set to return as vampires?

I wrote down simple plot points, things that might happen. The entire story was just a mish-mosh of random things that should/might happen. I wrote it all down in preparation for National Novel Writing Month in November.

When the time came I just wrote whatever was in my head. In what my boyfriend referred to as: “Steam of consciousness that needed to get out.”

I finished it the next year and started going through it chapter-by-chapter for the first time. I deemed it good enough and started reading it again. Then I got a few editors on the case. One of them was an English major who noticed that I kept switching passive vs. present tenses and finally explained it to me in a way that made sense.

And then I met my best friend. Who came to realize I was missing someone important in the story. Her Immortal of Death. She allowed me to borrow her character with guidance from her on how he would talk/act/everything.

So, chapter-by-chapter I went through Trigger again. Adding Death in there, with Rose making quippy remarks/loving certain songs which became the Chapter Titles. And then added some weird things in there that my editors thought would make the story more interesting, but took away from who/what Rose and Morph are.

I looked through it again and deemed it good enough. My boyfriend started going through it again. He noticed that some characters vanished without a trace, too many people were introduced at once, and the plot was lost in the struggle.

Then came the overhaul. I started dissecting  Trigger, Chapter-by-Chapter, for the third time. This time looking at it closely. Making sure that everything was in First Person, Present Tense, Point-of-View.

For the laymen, the style that I’m writing a blog in is First Person (using I, me), Past Tense (it happened already), Point-of-View. Lord of the Rings is written in Third Person (He, She), Past Tense, Point-of-View, and the Hunger Games is written in First Person, Present Tense (it’s happening), Point-of-View. Second Person Point-of-View is where the writer writes using you and is mostly used in video games. And Future tense is saying that things will happen in the future, which is mostly used in other languages.

After the brief sojourn into a bunny trail, the writer returns to her point.

The overhaul was simply a way to gather my thoughts, not only to correct any minor mistakes I made, but to make sure that everything flowed, that characters didn’t just vanish, that things were explained a little better, and that everything just…meshed.

As of right now, I am at 41,807 words in the overhaul. And why it’s going so quickly is that I’m not rewriting everything. I’m only rewriting parts that don’t make sense.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

Trigger Overhaul

My boyfriend has been going over Trigger for a while and found a few inconsistencies as well as some characters not fitting their descriptions and some chapters/character introductions that seemed too quick and too much.

So I decided it was time for a Trigger 2.0. I’m keeping the original Trigger Document in its current form and creating a new document where I’ll be going through it chapter by chapter to mark where things started to head in weird directions. Figure out which characters are very important and which ones can be saved for later.

Some changes from the original document are going to be done. Example, one character was original a Police Officer who is going to be changed into a Private Investigator who works with Richard Chase. Example #2, Richard Chase no longer arbitrarily flies in from Minnesota. Instead, he lives in Colorado.

Another thing I had to do with this story is going to add a little more of Morph’s dialogue to Rose and change what her powers were all over again. Because originally it was a little complicated, then due to something that was suggested it became over complicated and weird and almost too sci-fiy which is not what I was going for. Now it’s going to be simple and make everything flow a little better.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

It’s HERE!

 

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Forbidden Dance, A love’s Sporting Chance Novella

First Edition Released January 2016

April Roberts is twenty-year-old Ballerina trying to make a living in 1983 New York City. Times are hard for everyone with and April is no different. Between the harshness in the underground world of Ballet, the cattiness of the women she works with, and the drug craze popping up in the city, the odds are stacked against her.

There is hope, one thing that can make or break her, a dance competition. If she wins, first prize is a trip to France to study with the masters of her dance. If she doesn’t, she will be stuck in the Bohemian Hell that is New York City.

Along the way she meets Luke, a wannabe Filmmaker who literally bumps into her world, his best friend Dodger, an almost famous Rock Star, and her enigmatic landlord Sammy. Which man will win her heart and dance her Forbidden Dance?

Available on Amazon for 99 cents for a limited time! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AKA4Q36?ref_=pe_2427780_160035660

 

I’m so excited and yet nervous to have my first book published by a publisher. It’s been an amazing road and I’m so happy to be here!

Nervoucited

I cannot tell you how nervous yet excited I am today. I sent off my romance book to a publisher to look over. It’s set in the early 80s and I like it. It was a lot of fun to write. So here’s hoping my publisher likes it as much as I do.

Edits are still going on Trigger, my significant other is almost done with his edits and then I get to go over it once again.

As for Fire of the Night, I’m finally able to pick it up again and continue Rajan and Jasmine’s tragic tale.

Anyway that’s all I got for today!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!