On the Woes of the World

In the past week, I have never felt more beat down and broken. I don’t know how else to explain it, just broken. Sometimes I can smile and fake my way through how much I hurt inside and I’ve been like that for years. But when all of my faults pile up I just feel like I am a waste of skin.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m depressed. It just means that my self-esteem is so low that I don’t want to bother with it. So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto

So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto Baby Discord), writing someone’s story (I’m working on overhauling the second book in Barrel of a Gun, since I overhauled Trigger and a lot of things no longer make sense in Safety) and listening to a depressing song that will slowly start to cheer me up (and right now it’s Orchard of Mines by Globus).

Why is my self-esteem too low? Well, to be honest, I think that it links back to my PTSD. Sometimes people will say things that make me remember things that were said to me when I was little, sometimes I’ll just feel worthless and start making me feel bad just because of that, and sometimes people are just hurtful.

I’m even a day late on my blog just because I felt like no one would want to listen to me. I’m boring…and why the heck would I ever think I would be any better as an Author? I’m still boring.

But the nice thing about when I get so low is my support group, which comprises of my Boyfriend, my friend and fellow writer Noël, and weirdly enough my cat. My boyfriend does his best to let me know that if I was worthless he wouldn’t have even noticed me, my friend does her best by just being there and listening to me and having correct responses to it, and my cat nuzzles up to me when I’m all upset.

So even with the woes of the world, I’m still doing alright.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

PTSD and other random thoughts

Several months ago I put up a blog post about my mental illnesses On Writing and Mental Illness. And during the week this blog post hit me.

I realized something in my Overhaul of Trigger. My main character shows signs of PTSD. She has nightmares, flashbacks, and often hits the highs and lows that can sometimes show as symptoms.

She has a flashback when she’s painting a picture of her friend, she has nightmares when she doesn’t in her words “clear her mind” before sleeping, she hits depressing lows when she feels like she has failed, she hits abnormally high highs when she feels like she’s accomplished something.

So why did that only hit me during the overhaul? Well, when writing the story, I was simply telling Rose’s story and didn’t pay attention to how she was acting. I was just getting out the story of a Vampire Hunter. Then during the overhaul, I looked over everything with a fine-toothed comb. That’s when I noticed all of her “abnormalities”.

Without meaning to, Rose had gotten my PTSD. And in its own way, Trigger has become a coping mechanism to deal with my mental illnesses.

In a sense, Rose dealing with Morph could be considered a form of DiD or Split Personality. And several of my characters do deal with something like this. And the closest one to the actual Mental Illness of DiD is Alexis Ryuu/Frost Lindome, my favorite character.

Frost had overgone several reimaginings over the years as I grew up. At first, she was who I wanted to be. A strong independent dragon with a serious attitude and a lust for life and adventure. And for some reason she was blue and as her name suggests she was an ice/snow dragon. As a kid, I hated the color blue. And I had a bad experience with snow which led to a phobia of the white stuff. So why is my favorite character blue and a frost dragon?

In truth, I have no idea. I think some part of my subconscious wanted me to get over my fear of snow and ice, so fear of a thing only increases fear, thus my friend was an ice dragon. As for blue, as I grew up, blue was just another color. It’s not one that I can wear (since I look like death warmed over wearing blues) but it’s a pretty color.

Eventually in a recent rendition of Frost, her father, who is the Fallen of Emotions (they’re powerful and too long to explain here, but what he does is he can take your emotions, block them, or enhance them),  grabbed her from her home and enhanced her feelings of rage, lust, and a few others and turned them into a whole new personality known as Ice.

That was my first experience writing someone with DiD because Ice was Frost but a different person, if that makes sense.

That’s all I got!

Keep On Writing Dudes! And Don’t Forget to be Awesome!

Gathering My Thoughts

When Trigger first appeared it was a silly idea I had in October of 2012. With the news of the Mayan Calendar, I had a crazy what-if scenario pop into my head. What if the Mayans were set to return as vampires?

I wrote down simple plot points, things that might happen. The entire story was just a mish-mosh of random things that should/might happen. I wrote it all down in preparation for National Novel Writing Month in November.

When the time came I just wrote whatever was in my head. In what my boyfriend referred to as: “Steam of consciousness that needed to get out.”

I finished it the next year and started going through it chapter-by-chapter for the first time. I deemed it good enough and started reading it again. Then I got a few editors on the case. One of them was an English major who noticed that I kept switching passive vs. present tenses and finally explained it to me in a way that made sense.

And then I met my best friend. Who came to realize I was missing someone important in the story. Her Immortal of Death. She allowed me to borrow her character with guidance from her on how he would talk/act/everything.

So, chapter-by-chapter I went through Trigger again. Adding Death in there, with Rose making quippy remarks/loving certain songs which became the Chapter Titles. And then added some weird things in there that my editors thought would make the story more interesting, but took away from who/what Rose and Morph are.

I looked through it again and deemed it good enough. My boyfriend started going through it again. He noticed that some characters vanished without a trace, too many people were introduced at once, and the plot was lost in the struggle.

Then came the overhaul. I started dissecting  Trigger, Chapter-by-Chapter, for the third time. This time looking at it closely. Making sure that everything was in First Person, Present Tense, Point-of-View.

For the laymen, the style that I’m writing a blog in is First Person (using I, me), Past Tense (it happened already), Point-of-View. Lord of the Rings is written in Third Person (He, She), Past Tense, Point-of-View, and the Hunger Games is written in First Person, Present Tense (it’s happening), Point-of-View. Second Person Point-of-View is where the writer writes using you and is mostly used in video games. And Future tense is saying that things will happen in the future, which is mostly used in other languages.

After the brief sojourn into a bunny trail, the writer returns to her point.

The overhaul was simply a way to gather my thoughts, not only to correct any minor mistakes I made, but to make sure that everything flowed, that characters didn’t just vanish, that things were explained a little better, and that everything just…meshed.

As of right now, I am at 41,807 words in the overhaul. And why it’s going so quickly is that I’m not rewriting everything. I’m only rewriting parts that don’t make sense.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

Trigger Overhaul

My boyfriend has been going over Trigger for a while and found a few inconsistencies as well as some characters not fitting their descriptions and some chapters/character introductions that seemed too quick and too much.

So I decided it was time for a Trigger 2.0. I’m keeping the original Trigger Document in its current form and creating a new document where I’ll be going through it chapter by chapter to mark where things started to head in weird directions. Figure out which characters are very important and which ones can be saved for later.

Some changes from the original document are going to be done. Example, one character was original a Police Officer who is going to be changed into a Private Investigator who works with Richard Chase. Example #2, Richard Chase no longer arbitrarily flies in from Minnesota. Instead, he lives in Colorado.

Another thing I had to do with this story is going to add a little more of Morph’s dialogue to Rose and change what her powers were all over again. Because originally it was a little complicated, then due to something that was suggested it became over complicated and weird and almost too sci-fiy which is not what I was going for. Now it’s going to be simple and make everything flow a little better.

That’s all I got!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

It’s HERE!

 

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Forbidden Dance, A love’s Sporting Chance Novella

First Edition Released January 2016

April Roberts is twenty-year-old Ballerina trying to make a living in 1983 New York City. Times are hard for everyone with and April is no different. Between the harshness in the underground world of Ballet, the cattiness of the women she works with, and the drug craze popping up in the city, the odds are stacked against her.

There is hope, one thing that can make or break her, a dance competition. If she wins, first prize is a trip to France to study with the masters of her dance. If she doesn’t, she will be stuck in the Bohemian Hell that is New York City.

Along the way she meets Luke, a wannabe Filmmaker who literally bumps into her world, his best friend Dodger, an almost famous Rock Star, and her enigmatic landlord Sammy. Which man will win her heart and dance her Forbidden Dance?

Available on Amazon for 99 cents for a limited time! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AKA4Q36?ref_=pe_2427780_160035660

 

I’m so excited and yet nervous to have my first book published by a publisher. It’s been an amazing road and I’m so happy to be here!

Nervoucited

I cannot tell you how nervous yet excited I am today. I sent off my romance book to a publisher to look over. It’s set in the early 80s and I like it. It was a lot of fun to write. So here’s hoping my publisher likes it as much as I do.

Edits are still going on Trigger, my significant other is almost done with his edits and then I get to go over it once again.

As for Fire of the Night, I’m finally able to pick it up again and continue Rajan and Jasmine’s tragic tale.

Anyway that’s all I got for today!

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

Book Covers, Moving Woes, Edits, Writing, and Working, oh my

Trigger Cover

You see that? You see that!? That is my official Book Cover for Trigger from my Publisher Take Me Away Books! 😀

Can you tell that I’m super excited about this? I’m seriously about to die of happiness right about now. It’s almost enough to make me forget that I’m moving soon.

Which brings us to Moving Woes. From my PTSD I have a horrible track record of moving. I always felt like my things always vanished anytime I moved and that I would lose friends and people that I loved. But this time I’m moving with my boyfriend, so I’m trying to keep everything together. It won’t be so stressful this year!

As for Editing, I’m working on Editing Trigger so that I can get a publication date <3. I’m way too excited for this. But on the plus side I’m getting my edits done pretty quick. So hopefully this book will be out soon!

For Writing, I’m working on writing up Forbidden Dance, which is a romance story. I think it’s going pretty good <3. Which is just pretty awesome! Along with that I’m also working on what I can for Fire of the Night, finishing Safety which is the sequel to Trigger, and working on Weaving Arrows. Let’s just say it’s a lot of work for a little girl XD.

Not to mention I work 40 hours in a week so it makes it really hard to write when I want to. But with my three-day weekend for the Fourth, I’m actually doing pretty good on editing. I’m almost at 100 pages edited in Trigger and will probably be AT 100 pages edited in about twenty minutes after posting this blog XD.

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

On Working a Thrift Shop On a Saturday!

So this one is more about people watching. And I swear one day the Thrift Store I work at is going to be on the news at one point for someone crushing another person because they needed their sale!

Every Saturday our store opens at 8am on the dot, and there are people starting to line up as early as 7:15 some days. And sometimes I look at them and go: “Thriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiift, thriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiift!”

These people are just so hardcore about their sales they have fought over them. Not to mention how trashed the store gets after ten minutes of opening it. *headshake*.

Last year on Halloween I dressed up as Jeff the Killer, if you don’t know who that is he’s a Creepy Pasta character and really messed up. But I went out to the toys section and just stared at the kids. One of them actually went crying to her mother saying there was a creepy man watching her and went on to describe the character I was portraying. When the mom went to check, I was hiding in the back watching her, she said this:

“There’s no one here. But if you don’t clean up the toys you pulled out he might come back.”

That is such a great line and I swear listening to people is hilarious. This is why I work at a thrift shop. Because it’s fun to people watch everyone there. And makes it easier to make background noises in certain stories. Snippits of conversations you wouldn’t normally hear. That kind of thing.

So there you have it, my saturdays in a nutshell. Busy, not fun, and loads of people.

Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!

Why I Write the Way I do

I was originally going to skip a blog post this week, but I’ve honestly had something in my craw that I needed to get out. So here we go a blog post.

I recently put up on my personal Facebook page (hence the deleted name and my friend’s deleted name) a post.

what's bothering me

Now granted I should have been a little bit more specific. I hardly ever write with a synopsis, I find it hard to keep on top of those and never even used them when I was in a class. I find them boring and then I also feel like I have to write around them. But my friend’s response honestly made me feel like I don’t put any effort at all into my writing. And to a writer that makes me feel like crap.

You can also tell that I “communicate” with my characters. A lot of really good writers do this. It helps flesh the characters out a little bit when you can “talk” to them. And I never want to do something that a character I write doesn’t want  to do. So I’ll  never put them in situations they can’t get out of.

As for any type of synopsis I do indeed have a few in order to keep some story ideas straight.

Here are two examples:

Hidden Revelations spoilers Barrel of a Gun spoilers

As you can see they are for two different stories. And yes I used a River Song thing. That’s just how I roll! You can also tell how many things are in the one for Hidden Revelations. That’s a lot of stuff that I need to plan for. But even then….my stories do tend to run off on a tangent I never expected. So I couldn’t plan for it. And when it surprises the writer, it can surprise the audience as well.

As for my comment on facebook, that was directed mainly towards the newest story that I’m writing. As you can see the brightly colored word counter to the left, it’s called Forbidden Dance. The 25,000 words is my minimum I can write, the max is 40,000 and if my story is longer than 25,000 words I’ll change it to 40,000 that way I can remember how many words I need to stop at.

Why am I writing Forbidden Dance with absolutely no synopsis written down? Well, for one thing it’s a romance story that focuses around a Ballerina. I know where the story is going to end. I even have a little bit of a chapter written around the middle of the story already put into the story, and I know how it began. I just didn’t mind where it went around them. And just letting my character live her daily life is fun. Besides, her love interests (yes, she has three guys interested in her. Love square is much better than love triangle.

I’m not saying that I don’t care where my story goes, trust me I really do. I just don’t want to bog myself down with a synopsis that I feel that I have to work around. Why is Rose’s story different? Well Rose needs boundaries otherwise that character will run off on bunny trails that don’t even matter. As for why Fire of the Night has one, well I’ll let my good friend Barbossa tell you that:

The reason why I write the way I do is in order to let my characters do their own story rather than me tell you what I think their story should be.

Keep on Writing Dudes and don’t forget to be awesome!

How I built my worlds of Jericho and Natalix

Unlike how many people think that fantasy worlds come into being with a poof mine came into being through a lot of hard work.

When I was about 6 I realized that I had a really strong sense of imagination and that if I closed my eyes and focused really hard I could create a world in my mind to escape the world that my body occupied. It started out with elfen looking creatures as well as a few dragons.

When I was twelve my world was complete. Even if there were some unexplored parts I figured that I’d get to them later. I never got the chance to explore them the way I used to because that was the year that I was never able to return to Jericho by closing my eyes and focusing.

Time moved on and I started my first draft of Fire of the Night, it had been in my mind long enough. Well I made a rough map when I was almost 17:

bigmapofJericho2

The water around it is the ocean. To put how big this place is into perspective, it lives in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, which is roughly 5 times the size of Colorado or almost twice the size of TX. I had a whole theory about Jericho and one day actually told my parents that I wanted to go to the Bermuda Triangle just to see if I could find my world when I was 9.

I was always fascinated with the disappearances around the Bermuda Triangle and thus that was where my world must have existed, invisible to the human eye and only some people get lost in there and honestly don’t remember where they are, others just vanish without a trace, and still others end up being found later after a crash with the dead bodies.

That was how Jericho was formed, from a theory about missing people and the imagination of a six year old. As I got older, the world matured and got better. I still have yet to make another map of Jericho since then…however that is the rough sketch of what the world looks like in Jasmine’s Time, aside from a few missing castles, like the main Majesti Castle (Rajan’s home) and Renaya’s Castle, but it looks like I actually stuck a castle in there that doesn’t appear for a few more centuries….wow go me.

As for Natalix….that actually started out as a “what if”. Now most fantasy worlds have gods and goddesses, mine doesn’t. Mine has the “Great One” or as humans know him: God. There was one character that lived in an underworld known as Karach Oracle, he is the Keeper of the Dead under a curse. But what curse we don’t know. Nor do we know why his twin sister Miruial is a ghost and the leader of the Rainbow Ghosts (her name and what she does for a….”living” for lack of a better word, actually came from my friend Sarah (who did my Author Photo) who loves rainbows and her online name was Miruial pretty sure I’m misspelling that, the correct spelling is in another file somewhere).

So what if there had been gods and goddesses in Jericho before it was Jericho? The truth is that there was another world before Jericho, it was named Dinarus. There were only a few different types of elves in that world as well as dragons and gryffins. They were lead by the King of the Gods and his siblings, including Death, Life, Darkness, Ice, etc.

So what happened to this world? The short answer is that the King of the Gods knew that their time was coming to an end and thus started creating another world that was similar to their own, however it was built on top of a world where there was no fantasy, so there would be no human access to their world. They would be alone. Or so they thought, Dreamers started playing with the world and adding their own bits of things.

He finished his work just in time for the Flood to hit. He escaped with his siblings (except for three and I’ll get to that) and mortal wife. He then gave up his status as a god and lived out his life as a mortal. The Fallen were born from the remaining siblings, except for six of them. The Four Fallen of Death (Persephone, Hades, Erebus, and Thanatos), the Fallen of Life, and the Fallen of Darkness.

Why are there four Deaths? Well….Persephone is the Fallen of the Death of Children, she has the form of a tall woman, however whenever she goes to help children (and I mean little bitty ones, from just born all the way to 12-year-olds) go to the afterlife she has the form of an imp that would play with her until they moved on. She’s also the only one with another form.

Thanatos (who is also the Prince of Poison from Jericho) is the Fallen of Accidental Deaths, these are the ones that don’t try to commit suicide but it just happened that kind of thing.

Hades is the Fallen of Death by Normalcy, he’s the typical Grim Reaper cloak, scythe, etc. He’s the one who goes to find the ones that are dying of old age, heart attacks, anything considered “normal” deaths.

Erebus is the Fallen of Horrible Deaths, he’s the one who gets all of the bad cases, the people who end up dying horrible by either their own fault or anything else. Like falling off a cliff, stabbings, anything where the corpse would be mangled.

Getting back to the ones who ended up staying behind. Death and Life were two of the three siblings who didn’t end up going to Natalix. Death, or rather Karach, was under a curse in the underworld. He was forced to stay behind and look after the souls of the dead until his flesh rotted away, leaving a skeletal watcher, chained to the underworld, unable to never leave, and no longer allowed to have visitors unless they came to him for aid.

His twin sister Life, died in the flood because she stayed behind to look for her brother. She found him when she became the Queen of the Ghosts.

As for the final sibling *smirk*, the god of Darkness was stripped of his powers, except for whatever he needed to survive. He took another name: Delano. And started a family with a woman named Aria. She took his first name as her Surname and from those two, the Delano were born.

*bow* and that’s how you make a complicated world.

Keep on writing dudes! And don’t forget to be awesome!