In the past week, I have never felt more beat down and broken. I don’t know how else to explain it, just broken. Sometimes I can smile and fake my way through how much I hurt inside and I’ve been like that for years. But when all of my faults pile up I just feel like I am a waste of skin.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m depressed. It just means that my self-esteem is so low that I don’t want to bother with it. So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto
So I’ll curl up into a ball, escape into my world, and nest. The nesting thing is kind of bad because I do quite literally nest. I bring all of the things that make me happy into one place, usually with me holding a stuffed animal (currently holding onto Baby Discord), writing someone’s story (I’m working on overhauling the second book in Barrel of a Gun, since I overhauled Trigger and a lot of things no longer make sense in Safety) and listening to a depressing song that will slowly start to cheer me up (and right now it’s Orchard of Mines by Globus).
Why is my self-esteem too low? Well, to be honest, I think that it links back to my PTSD. Sometimes people will say things that make me remember things that were said to me when I was little, sometimes I’ll just feel worthless and start making me feel bad just because of that, and sometimes people are just hurtful.
I’m even a day late on my blog just because I felt like no one would want to listen to me. I’m boring…and why the heck would I ever think I would be any better as an Author? I’m still boring.
But the nice thing about when I get so low is my support group, which comprises of my Boyfriend, my friend and fellow writer Noël, and weirdly enough my cat. My boyfriend does his best to let me know that if I was worthless he wouldn’t have even noticed me, my friend does her best by just being there and listening to me and having correct responses to it, and my cat nuzzles up to me when I’m all upset.
So even with the woes of the world, I’m still doing alright.
That’s all I got!
Keep on Writing Dudes and Don’t forget to be awesome!